E.198 Therapy Uncensored: The Truth Behind Closed Doors

Therapy has long been shrouded in mystery, leaving many to wonder what actually happens once that office door closes. Steve Bisson pulls back the curtain on these therapeutic misconceptions with refreshing candor and humor. Gone are the days of viewing therapists as perfect, emotionless professionals who maintain rigid boundaries and never reveal their humanity.

Swearing in therapy? Absolutely appropriate. As Steve explains, nothing says authenticity like a well-placed expletive that truly captures the emotion behind an experience. When clients and therapists can express themselves genuinely without filtering, real therapeutic work begins. The goal isn't pristine language but creating a space where raw emotions and experiences can be safely explored.

Perhaps most revealing is Steve's assertion that therapists are fundamentally human. They think about clients between sessions, sometimes struggle with their own life challenges, and yes – many see therapists themselves. This humanity doesn't compromise their effectiveness but enhances it. When a therapist acknowledges their imperfections, it gives clients permission to embrace their own. There's something profoundly healing about knowing your therapist understands struggle not just academically but personally.

Making mistakes is another area where therapy myths need debunking. Good therapists make mistakes, acknowledge them, and learn from them. Whether it's forgetting a name or misunderstanding a situation, these moments become opportunities to model healthy responses to imperfection. As Steve shares from his own practice, these transparent moments often strengthen the therapeutic alliance rather than damage it. The therapeutic journey becomes truly collaborative when both participants can learn from each other and grow together.

What therapy misconceptions have you encountered? Share your experiences in the comments or reach out directly. Join us next time for the final episode of Finding Our Way. Your authentic self is welcome here – expletives and all.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Episode Introduction & Sponsor
• 3:00 Myths About Therapy
• 4:30 Authenticity and Swearing in Therapy
• 6:30 Therapists Think About Clients
• 8:00 Therapists Are Imperfect Too
• 12:00 Learning Through Mistakes
• 16:40 Personal Stories and Clinical Judgment

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Hi and welcome to Finding your Way Through Therapy. A proud member of the PsychCraft Network, the goal of this podcast is to demystify therapy, what can happen in therapy and the wide array of conversations you can have in and about therapy Through personal experiences. Guests will talk about therapy, their experiences with it and how psychology and therapy are present in many places in their lives, with lots of authenticity and a touch of humor. Here is your host, steve Bisson.

Speaker 2: 0:44

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Speaker 2: 3:04

But with episode 198, I really want to talk about the myths about therapy. You know, maybe you don't know this, but if you're listening to my show, I like to write and right now I'm trying to write a book based on some of the concerns that some first responders had in regards to going to therapy. So I'm like, hey, besides promoting my future book, which you know it's getting about a quarter way done at this point, I wanted to promote a little bit of that but, more importantly, talk about some of the myths of therapy. And yes, I can't pronounce my THs right. So, hey, make fun of me all you want, but what I'd like you to do is to really think about some of the stuff that people think about therapy and then go from there. So the first thing I would like to talk about is you know what happens when you close the door. So you will know this is unfiltered therapy.

Speaker 2: 3:51

We learn things from TV that are not true. Number one, number two in therapy. You know like I remember my training and yes, I do remember that far back for those who are going to make fun of my age, but yes, when I trained in the like I started I did in the late nineties or late two thousands for my masters. We learned a lot of different things, and I give shout out to Peter Toscano, among others. Len Dorfler had a great influence on me too, from assumption now university. At the time as a college, they taught me a whole lot and Peter was good at breaking down some of these myths and I really want to make sure I bring it up to you guys. So here's a few of them that you can discuss and I wanted to discuss with you and you can tell me what you think about.

Speaker 2: 4:31

The first thing is swearing in therapy. Well, if you listen to this podcast, I swear. I feel I should swear right now but it's not appropriate. But I do swear and in therapy, clients will swear as well as I will, and we don't swear at each other. We swear about situations. We swear about other things, but you can swear at therapy and I've heard people before saying that's not appropriate. That's not right. I'll tell you one thing Nothing's more authentic than a good fuck, really well placed or shit, or think about any expletive that you can think about. The reason why is that it's authentic? It comes from the heart, and once you start filtering what you feel in your heart, what is therapy about? Being authentic, being yourself. So I wouldn't encourage anyone to change that. I would really encourage people to kind of do that.

Speaker 2: 5:12

I remember the first time someone said to me something that I thought was really screwed up. They said wow, it's really fucked up. And they were like I appreciate it, you told me the truth. I'm the only one I thought felt that way. So sometimes being real is so important and that's part of it too is like I think that the other part that people tend to forget is that real, authentic reaction is very, very important. Sometimes I'll go like this and I try not to do too much when we're going into deep trauma and someone's already having emotions, but ultimately I can have my expressions because it makes me authentic. You know, the humanizing of therapists is quite a movement that's going on now, but at the end of the day, we need to be able to authenticate, authenticize ourselves as therapists so clients can be authentic with us.

Speaker 2: 5:59

So for me, it's okay to have reactions to what's being said and I said, of course, if someone's talking about trauma or something like that, I really go and let them talk. I don't really match at that point, I just listen. I remember someone telling me about a really, really difficult traumatizing experience and I'm going to really not talk about it because I don't want any identifiers and yes that I believe in the ethics of not putting any identifiers on people. But I remember going. Geez, I can only imagine I was really screwed up and really fucked up as a situation and it burst into tears. And, like I never said this to anyone, I was afraid people would make fun of me. People would not think it's that bad and you really had a great reaction. So I think that for me, giving those examples is really important because that's what helped that individual heal. So I don't want to go into too much details because I don't want to identify anyone. So I hope that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 6:59

And the other truth is is that we're human. I said that earlier, but you know, one of the things that happens is clients wonder if we think about them outside of session. Of course we do. Do we think about it in any creepy way? Of course not. I'm not creep, but I certainly think about people professionally. I was in New York City last week and I have a few clients who are from that area and I remember walking a couple of areas where I think they grew up. So I was wondering if Jane Doe, john Doe, oh, I wonder if they went there, if they went near here, what have you? So I think that sometimes it's important to realize that we think about our clients outside the session.

Speaker 2: 7:35

When a client has had a pretty rough session, I'll text them the day after. Is that something that everyone does? Of course not, but I do it because, hey, you know what, you were having a tough time, let me know about it. Most of my clients really appreciate that because they feel like they're being listened to and they know how difficult and they think that I understand how difficult it is for them. So I really like to do that.

Speaker 2: 7:57

The other part, too, that I really want to remind people is my life isn't perfect. In fact, I don't know of any therapist whose life is perfect, and that's okay. You know, one of the things that I like to remind people is I'm in therapy too. I have stuff I got to work on, and hopefully I'll be working on my stuff for the rest of my life. I know that therapies, you know. People say we only use it when we need it, and that's fine. I'm okay with that.

Speaker 2: 8:20

My view is we can all use therapy. Do we need it all weekly, daily? No, do we even need it every other week? No, I mean, I go to my therapist right now every five weeks, six weeks. I'm doing pretty good right now, which is great. But I do have my own problems, you know, and yeah, I do my best for my kids, but you know, sometimes that's hard. I have relationships. Sometimes they're hard and it's okay to be able to talk about that. When, when clients ask me if I'm perfect far from being perfect and it's okay for you to start thinking about your therapist not being perfect, authenticity being yourself is very important and that when a therapist is not perfect, I think that helps the authenticity of the individual.

Speaker 2: 9:00

We handle our own struggles. If I'm having a good hard time, even on podcasts right now, you have no clue. If I'm having a hard time right now, I don't believe I'm having a hard time right now. I'm knocking on wood. I guarantee you my desk is made of wood. But sometimes I do have my own stuff. I don't bring it to session. I really handle my own struggles, but sometimes I got to really think about my own stuff and not let it bleed out in the session. But we all have it right. We all have health issues, we all have family members, we all have things. That goes on. So just remember for those of you who I don't think I mentioned on the podcast yet I had surgery a few weeks ago a gallbladder removal tucked in a hernia, and I took a few days off, but ultimately I probably should have taken a little more time off. When I came back I did okay, but I think it was a Tuesday. Tuesdays I work late here.

Speaker 2: 9:57

One of my clients my later clients looked at me. She said don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit. And I said, well, if it makes you feel any better, I feel like shit. And she's like, oh, I'm sorry we can cut the session short. I'm like, no, I can handle it, but if I can't, I'll let you know, and people think about that as well. You'd share too much. No, I think it's good to tell people I have limits, I have issues, and there's sometimes I don't know where to set a limit. She helped me set that limit.

Speaker 2: 10:22

And sometimes we learn from our clients, which is another thing that we'll get to. But we learn from our clients as much as you learn from us. And any therapists that say they don't, I don't, I wouldn't trust them, frankly, but that's one of them. And then the other thing too is you know, I've been through divorce, very amicable with my ex-wife. She's pretty good actually. But sometimes you know, know bringing that journey of my own struggles with divorce because, as amicable as it was, it was tough.

Speaker 2: 10:52

It's hard to go through a divorce for anyone and sometimes I bring that experience to the session, not to tell people this is how you're going to feel, but they sometimes ask me questions and I've also heard someone say well, you're, if you do couples counseling and you've been divorced, how can you tell them you've been in a relationship and you don't know how to make an LA last, which is, truthfully, something once said to me and I say well, I also knew that sometimes things don't work out and that's OK, there's nothing wrong with that. So being able to talk about that is so important, so that you're authentic and people can say, oh, he's been there, done that, has a few T-shirts. You're authentic and people can say, oh, he's been there, done that, has a few t-shirts. And yeah, my personal struggles. I don't bring them like, oh my God, my blank has been difficult with me, whatever that is, but I certainly have my own growth, my own struggles, and I bring them to the session and most people feel that authenticity and that truthfulness really helps.

Speaker 2: 11:42

The other part, too, is I try not to talk out of my ass, so I don't say things I don't know. I try not to talk out of my ass so I don't say things I don't know. But sometimes I make mistakes. Every therapist I know makes mistakes. The true, good therapist will point out you know, I made a mistake last time. This is what I said, I meant this. Or when I said that that was absolutely wrong. This is why you should think about it this way. We make mistakes. Why? Because we're human, and if someone says, well, you're in the medical field, you cannot make mistakes, well, I would argue that every medical doctor, every nurse and everyone I've ever met in the medical field has admitted to a mistake or two Makes us human, and also it's okay to learn from these mistakes.

Speaker 2: 12:25

One of the things I'm really terrible with this is going to be oops moments for me. I'm so bad with names. Anyone who knows me knows that. I think I mentioned it here before, but sometimes I'll go like how's your husband, frankie? And they're like well, my husband's name is Johnny, oh crap. And most people laugh because I tell them right off the top I'm no good with names. So that's how I learned from them and then I say you know, the other part too is because I've always been bad with names, and yes, if you want to send me tricks about how to remember names, please do so. However, I've tried pretty much anything under the sun, but I do remember a story really well and what I tell people is when I make a mistake like that, I said well, your husband, he works in the computer science field, he works with blah blah, blah, blah, blah, like, oh, you remember his story. I'm really good at remembering stories, I'm just not good with names. So remembering the stories, remembering what's going on, that's more important to me than remembering Johnny, jane or Frank. So you know, kind of remembering that and being imperfect shows clients how being imperfect is okay for them too.

Speaker 2: 13:30

I think that sometimes we struggle with realizing that we can make mistakes and it's difficult to admit, but I make mistakes, you know. I think I've been known in my soccer training. When I used to coach soccer, I'd tell the girls if I don't make 10 mistakes in the day, I've had a pretty good day, it's okay and it makes me a better therapist. Because I learned it actually came up today. They asked me do you think you're the best therapist. I'm like by far. No, I'm not the worst therapist, but I'm up there and people are like, well, that may be arrogant, I'm like no, but I know I have to learn and learning is key. A few years ago I didn't know what IFS stood for internal family systems. So you know, I'd say like I don't know what it is, and being imperfect and not knowing everything made them realize oh, I can educate them. And we had a conversation. I studied it afterwards. So when they came back home to the session not home I was able to have that conversation. And so it's important to have those moments where you don't know, make a mistake, share it and then better yourself.

Speaker 2: 14:30

I like to learn every day. I like to learn Anyone who knows me, I read a lot of nonfiction. Yeah, sometimes I probably should go into fiction, but I like to take these learning experiences, whether it's from books or TV shows. Yes, tv shows taught me a lot Numbers, among others. It's not very old. Well, I guess for younger people it would be old, you know, 10, 15 years old but I learned a lot from those TV shows and sometimes that's what makes me better to always learn from any situation and I share my personal stories.

Speaker 2: 15:02

We talked about the divorce, but I also think that I share other stories, like when I had the issue. You know I have clients who have fears of planes and I know right now a lot of people do. But, as you probably saw, I can't remember the episode number. It was about two years ago, so what would be the low 90s? I was on a plane where someone tried to take over the plane. I was as raw as I could on this podcast, so go back and listen to that if you want to, if you want me to link it to the show notes.

Speaker 2: 15:31

But I think that what happened is again, I was able to show that I also have moments of doubt, moments I feel difficult, and it's okay to share that experience, because being perfect to me is irrational and we talk about perfectionism and all that in my sessions, particularly with the cognitive behavioral stuff. But I'm able to share that. Did I share those experiences when I was still struggling? No, I didn't. I chose to share them when it's appropriate. And when is it appropriate? Wow, that's called clinical judgment. People who tell me well, what's clinical judgment? It's years and years of experience. It goes back to a little bit of what I tell people is that my fees. Sometimes people are like, well, aren't your fees a little more expensive than most? I'm like, well, you're probably not paying for the session I'm doing today. You're paying for the 20 plus years of experience I have personal as well as professional in order to learn. So that happens. But you really need to have that balance and sometimes I do share personal stuff.

Speaker 2: 16:37

Sorry, toronto, but I'm a fan. I'm a Montrealer, not a big fan of Toronto at all, and so my clients sometimes know about that and I share about my love hate relationship with Toronto, being a Montrealer. Talk about hockey, and, yeah, I'm a, I'm a big fake. For some people I'm a Canadians fan first, bruins second, and people are like, oh, you can't pull for both. Well, if you're a hockey fan, you can do whatever you want, and sometimes I share that, sometimes I don't.

Speaker 2: 16:56

But ultimately it's being able to be yourself. People want to know that you're a person. I've never met one of my clients saying, oh, my God, you're too much of a person. Do I talk about myself for 40 of the 50 minutes? No, do I spend sometimes opening up a little bit at the beginning or when it's appropriate, yes, but it's clinical judgment. Sometimes I have a few clients if I don't open up at the beginning of a session about. You know it didn't happen yet this week but someone said how are y'all? I went to New York, had a great time or whatever. How are you? What's been going on? It opens the conversation for them and it opens the conversation for me and we can go into really good places with all that. So a few key points to remember. We're human. We make mistakes. It's a collaborative journey, as in clients and therapists learn from each other as much and I really kind of like grow from all that. So those are my little points here.

Speaker 2: 17:51

I hope this was helpful as a podcast. If you have any stories you know, I would love to hear your stories, your collaborative journeys and in regards with your therapist and what you've learned or what you didn't learn or what was wrong, what was right. Please put it in. You can write. You can press a comment in my show notes on your favorite podcast on your favorite platform. You can also write to me directly if you wish.

Speaker 2: 18:14

My email is available on most platforms also, so please share me your own therapy misconceptions, what your journey is and how it went. So I do appreciate you sharing that and, of course, share like, share it with friends, even if it's just a couple of minutes of this one or whatever. Just share it with people. That's always important. So that is my conversation about therapy, but that's it for episode 198. Thank you for listening. Write to me as much as you want, but for episode 199, which is the final episode of Finding Our Way, resilience, development and Action, we'll be talking to Karen Paschal and I hope you join me, then Please like, subscribe and follow this podcast on your favorite platform.

Speaker 1: 18:55

A glowing review is always helpful and, as a reminder, this podcast is for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only. If you're struggling with a mental health or substance abuse issue, please reach out to a professional counselor for consultation. If you are in a mental health crisis, call 988 for assistance. This number is available in the United States and Canada.