A Diplomatic Security Agent On Trauma, Clearance Fear, And Getting Help

The job can send you to the hardest places on earth, then expect you to come home and act like nothing followed you back.

We talk with Kemmi Sadler, a retired supervisory special agent from the U.S. State Department’s Diplomatic Security Service, about what two decades of protective missions, investigations, and overseas tours can do to your inner life. From her early years in local law enforcement to contracting overseas after 9/11 and then serving across posts like Iraq, Afghanistan, El Salvador, Mexico, and Washington, DC, Kemi lays out the real-world stressors that build over time: constant moves, family complications, and the relentless requirement to stay sharp.

One story becomes a turning point, opening the door to survivor’s guilt and the kind of grief that can linger for years when it never gets fully processed. We also dig into a barrier so many first responders recognize instantly: the fear that counseling could trigger “fitness for duty” questions or jeopardize a security clearance. When your identity is built around being the tough one, asking for help can feel like risking everything. We compare peer support, resilience training, and the idea of routine mental health wellness visits that work like a checkup rather than a crisis response.

We close with the shock of retirement and why turning in credentials can feel like losing membership in a world that once gave you status, safety, and a clear sense of self. If you care about first responder mental health, trauma recovery, and the transition out of service, this conversation will stay with you.

Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more first responders can find these stories.

Here is how to reach Kemmi: 

www.klsadler.com
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kemmisadler/
https://www.facebook.com/klsadler
https://www.instagram.com/klsadler_/

www.nonasway.com
https://www.facebook.com/NonaTheWonderDog/
https://www.instagram.com/nonas_way_/

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Transcript

Welcome And Show Mission

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to Resilience Development in Action with Steve Bisson. This is the podcast dedicated to first responder mental health, helping police, fire, EMS, dispatchers, and paramedics create better growth environments for themselves and their teams. Let's get started.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Well, hi everyone, and welcome to episode 248. If you haven't listened to episode 247, it is the returning mental men. We talked about a lot of good stuff in regards to the stress of the work and environment stress environmental stressors at home that goes with that. But for episode 428, I'm just excited because I I, you know, you meet someone, you get someone paperwork or what have you through an email. I'm like, wow, this is the person that's perfect for this podcast. So when I got Kemi Sadler's one pager, as they call it in our industry, I was like, oh my gosh, she's perfect for this show. So as you know, when you're listening to my show, I don't pretend I know people I don't know, but I certainly was excited to have her on. So I I definitely believe in telling you that. But Kemi, welcome to Resilience Development in Action.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

Uh thank you. Thanks so much for having me on.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Uh you know, like I'm nothing like a retired supervisor supervisory special agent in the US department's uh diplomatic security service. That's a mouthful in itself, but I got what it means. You work for the your diplomatic service uh service security for people. And I know that you're not in the same time zone as me. So thank you for giving me half your afternoon. I I'm recording in the morning where I'm at. But I guess, you know, maybe it would be good for you to introduce yourself a little bit to the audience, tell us about yourself.

From 9/11 To Kuwait And DS

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Sure. Well, I've retired from diplomatic security service in April of 2024 after just over 20 years. DS is the law enforcement arm of the State Department. So it's, you know, primary responsibilities are dignitary protection as well as a full-time detail on the U.S. Secretary of State. And then for the investigative side of the house, it's U.S. travel documents, passports, visas, investigations into identity theft and things of that nature. Before becoming federal agent with the U.S. State Department, I worked for a couple of years as a civilian contractor for Department of Defense in Kuwait, just after 9-11. And working backwards in time on September 10th, 2001 was my last day with the St. Augustine Police Department, where I had spent about five years between 911 dispatched and then transferring to the road as the police officer with St. Augustine. So all told I did about 26 years, excuse me, sworn law enforcement. I grew up in a small town in the Midwest. So Midwest Girl, St. Genevieve, Missouri. It's the oldest town west of the Mississippi, it's about an hour south of St. Louis. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

Well, you know, five years a police officer, and on September 10th, you're you retire, you leave, or you go, you are still in service, and then 9-11 occurs, and you're like, oh my God, I gotta do something.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

I had already taken the contract with the Department of Defense to go to Kuwait. So I had I had resigned, and September 10th just happened to be my last day. And on 9-11, I was putting everything in my house to put into a storage unit to move overseas to Kuwait when all of the events of that day started to unfold and my phone started to ring. And one of the calls was from the chief of police offering me my job back. You know, people over like, you're not still going to the Middle East, are you? So it seems all of a sudden that seems like a bad idea. But you know, I had signed the contract and I decided to go ahead and and see that through. So I spent about two years in Kuwait, which is where I learned about the diplomatic security service.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Oh, okay. So that by being there, you kind of like learn about these services, the diplomatic services. Right.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

I knew somebody that go ahead. Sorry, I knew somebody that went to the security briefings at the embassy and he told me about it. And he said, you know, this is because the contract worked for me was I was just kind of looking for, you know, something different and a little bit of travel. And but I wanted to get back into something that was more of a career than contracting. And my friend knew that and he he went to these meetings at the embassy, and he's like, You should look into this. It's law enforcement and travel. It seems like it would be a good fit for you. And it just so happened that DS was hiring at the time that I learned about it. So I jumped through some hoops to get everything ready to submit that application package and got on with with DS about six months after that.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

But and what made you like you you did that for you said what 20 years, 22 years?

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Yeah, 20 years and four months.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Okay. 20 years of that. You gotta really like it to do that for that long.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

I loved it. I you know, DS is the best kept secret in federal law enforcement. It's one of the smaller federal agencies, and it's similar to the military in the sense that the assignments are short term and depending on the threat level. So every year to two years, three years being the most, the longest assignment, you can extend sometimes for a fourth year, but you bet on assignments and you move around. So my tours took me all over the world. I did a year in Iraq, a year in Afghanistan, tours in El Salvador and Mexico, and then domestic tours in Washington, DC, St. Louis and Orlando.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

Wow, you went to all the nice places that are nice and safe. That's great.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:57

Well, I'm all the garden spots. I know. I was gonna like, oh, I went from you said what, Kuwait to Iraq to Afghanistan. I'm like, geez, that's a great place to be in the mid-2000s.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

Yeah, Iraq. I was there that Iraq was my second tour. I was there in 06 and 07. So before we had moved into an actual embassy, and the embassy was located inside one of Saddam's former palaces.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

The tour in Afghanistan was later in my career in 2017, 2018, so about a year before that all kind of went to shit.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

Yeah. Afghanistan is a very fascinating place, if you ask me.

SPEAKER_02 6:38

But oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

Very interesting people. I think that they've been trying to be taken over since the Ottoman Empire, and somehow they still stand up and do their thing, for better or for worse, unfortunately. Right. So, you know, you do all these things and you're traveling a lot. How do you get a family going when you're traveling so much?

SPEAKER_02 7:01

It's not easy. It's a very my I mean, I don't know statistically if the divorce rate is higher in the Foreign Service than other segments of law enforcement or society, but it's not the the easiest career, probably to have a family. The State Department's pretty good about trying to accommodate people with families and kids, and you know, but it adds layers and layers of complication because then you have kids in international schools, and some countries have more schools available than others, and some countries they're safer for families than others, and some countries you can't even take your family on an assignment, whereas others you can. So I'm at my current spouse actually in El Salvador. And when you when both of the people in the marriage are Department of State employees, then that adds a layer of complication because then you have to find jobs at the same place and time in the same country. So that that also that also adds you know some some complications. So we went from El Salvador to Washington, DC, Afghanistan together, then Mexico, and I finished up my career in in Florida. And then I retired and she was able to get a job in in Europe. So, you know, I joke. I had to, in order for me to get a posting in Europe, I just had to retire.

SPEAKER_00 8:21

Yeah, well, that Florida to Europe, it's almost like you know, rolls off your thung, tongue, really, uh if you ask me.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

And then when I already joked around earlier, I said the danger spots. You went to Florida, good, good for you. I'm joking for people in Florida listening. I'm making a joke, I'm picking on you. I get it, but I'm just picking on you. So you do this for about 20 years. I mean, there's gotta be like some stressors besides the family. I brought up the family, but there's gotta be other stressors that play a factor for that long. I mean, it's great to work for the Department of State, but I can see where it can also be very hard to push through some of the shit you gotta deal with.

Iraq Loss And Survivor’s Guilt

SPEAKER_02 9:00

Yeah, I think that's a fair, I think that's a fair statement. And I think it's something that you don't always recognize in the moment or while or while you're pushing through it. You know, now that I've been retired for a couple of years and been on this kind of healing journey, it's much easier to look back retrospectively and see how trauma was building up and how it how it impacted me over the years, but in in the moment, I don't know that I always recognized it for what it was. The one exception to that was in 2006 when I was in Iraq, there was a woman that worked, an Iraqi woman that worked at the embassy with us. I was her direct supervisor. She was an older woman on her second career. And she and her husband, who also worked at the embassy, were out in town running running some errands. They went to the bank. And when they came out of the bank, some group of individuals kidnapped her husband and held him for ransom, and she negotiated a ransom for him over the coming weeks and ultimately went to pay that ransom. And when she did, she was also kidnapped and killed.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

And the way I can't go into details about exactly just so you know, I'll never push you to talk about stuff you don't want to.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

Well, it's it's that I you know, some of it I I can't.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

No, no, that I will never do that. I know I know your job, so I'm not pushing it. But protected by a HIPAA, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 10:35

I right. Suffice it to say, I I carried some survivor's guilt around that. I felt that I should have been able to talk around of going to pay the ransom or should have been able to do more to protect her when she went. And it weighed on me very heavily. And I I did talk to somebody one time, a counselor, and just I mean, completely had an absolute breakdown in that session. And and that was the first time I ever heard the term survivor's guilt was in that in that session with somebody. And I was like, okay, well, now it has a name, now I know what it is that's been that's been bothering me. So I'm just gonna, you know, move on. And when you have a job where your mental fitness is a prerequisite for your job, and then you add a security clearance on top of that, you know, this often whether it's just perceived or whether it's the reality, I think there's a reluctance in the profession to seek out any kind of counseling because there's that fear that it's gonna negatively impact your job. So that was the only time I ever talked to somebody about it, but it stayed with me, and I, you know, I knew it was something that I still kind of struggled with processing the that that grief and and that loss.

Why Counseling Feels Risky

SPEAKER_00 12:01

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SPEAKER_02 14:15

I think it definitely crossed my mind that counseling of counseling outside of the umbrella of grief counseling or marriage counseling could trigger a fitness for duty. So I think that was always in the back of my mind anytime I thought about, you know, should I should should I seek out some counseling? But honestly, as my career went on, I just I think it was more something that you know would come up for me, things would remind me of it, or I would, you know, become emotional. I I I knew I knew that I hadn't healed from it. But at the same time, I don't know that I recognized that I needed to, if if that makes sense, or that I could, or you know, or even that that it was a possibility that it was something that I could process in a healthy way and leave behind.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

Right. And survivor's guilt is, you know, to me one of the hardest things to leave behind. When we talk about survivor's guilt, we usually talk about, you know, people who grow older than their parents or their siblings or what have you. But in the military, it's a real thing, especially when I remember guys coming back from Iraq. I've done a lot of military counseling for lack of a better word, but you know, I had to do it with given hour because given hour, and I'm plugging in purposely, I don't make any money from it. You don't need to document anything, it's just saying you see military. And I again, this if people listen to this, like, oh, thank you. I don't want to hear thank you. I'm doing it because I want to. But I remember a lot of them struggling coming back from Iraq. You know, I was on convoy, something happened, or when they went to Kuwait and the fires and the oil fields. I mean, I can talk along. I don't want to go into too much military here, and I'm sure I gotta be careful about not violating information. But at the end of the day, I think that that's a lot of the stuff that happened went in the military service, and that's why I was kind of like making a parallel with what you said. And I think that that you know, when you talk about fitness for duty, that's the scariest words you could ever use for anyone in your position, correct? Yes. Does it create like the own doubt for yourself, or you're afraid that people will read right through you or something else?

SPEAKER_02 16:32

Well, I think it's twofold. You know, I mean, I think part of it is the job because so much of your identity and the thought of losing it is unbearable. You know, why would I do anything that would risk the job? The, you know, having to walk away and not on my own terms. And also being seen, you know, it's a it's a field where as part of that identity, you're tough, you know, you're resilient, you don't need anything, you're the one coming to the aid of others, not the other way around. And so to admit that you need some help is hard as well. And how is that going to be viewed by my by my colleagues if people find out that I need counseling? I like to think that that's changing in in in the industry, but maybe that's naive.

Peer Support Training And Wellness Gaps

SPEAKER_00 17:25

No, I don't think it's naive, but I don't think it's changing as fast as well. Again, I'm a therapist, so probably have a different standard than most law enforcement slash DS people. But I think that it is changing, but I there's also this wussification when you hear that. And there's, you know, I've certainly heard it from different people in my job as a you know, a therapist with first responders in general. Uh I think that it's really hard to make for me, and let me get out of my soapbox for a second. I try to explain to chiefs that someone with a health mental health issue is just like breaking their leg or what have you. Uh and if you're able to process it out, then guess what? You have a better officer, sergeant, whatever. Yes. But but if you don't process it out, then the person may get retire early, may have other issues at work, may start getting there late, may develop a substance abuse. And then when you start blaming them for that because they couldn't reach out for help, there's a problem there. I don't know if any of that resonates, but that's certainly what I've seen. And some some chiefs I I want to I in Massachusetts reach out to me directly. John Doe, Jane Doe's having a hard time. I don't want to lose them. Can I just send them to you? And there's other chiefs who tell me, like, oh, so you're seeing so-and-so. Well, you know, do you think they can handle a gun anymore? Holy fuck, I don't want to talk about that. So I don't know. There's a that I think I see both sides. My hope is one day we will see that if we treat it right away and we leave it in your acute stress disorder world, and sorry to bore bore you with therapy, an acute stress disorder is in the first six months you process out a trauma, then it doesn't become PTSD and doesn't start eroding your confidence and work in general.

SPEAKER_02 19:12

Right. Right. And but and you know, building that into the the copious amounts of training that we do throughout our careers is that, you know, resilience over the over the course of my career, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I sat through a training where there was talk about just the reality of these these types of things. That the the you know, be aware of the toll that moral injury. I never heard I never heard the term moral injury throughout my entire career, I don't think, or even you know, PTSD was always something that applied to to veterans, not not first responders. Like these were not ideas that were talked about or where trainings were offered. The only time I recall doing any kind of training on mental health or mental health awareness were mandatory, you know, maybe half-day trainings after a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan. And then I did a week-long peer support group training with VS, which has a has a great initiative to have a network of peers who go through a training and you know, put your name on a list to be available for other agents who may need someone to call and talk to. And so there's, you know, it's definitely an effort to do a peer-to-peer network to address some of these issues, but outside of those things, there was an and that was voluntary, right? So there was no formal mental health processing resilience.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

And I think it's good to have the peers there. I certainly am a big fan of peer support. I'm a big fan of wellness visits, because I think that that's the other way to handle it, in my opinion. So, you know, peer supports, you know, you can talk to someone who's been there, done that. I don't know what it is to work for DS, and now will I pretend. But having a peer who has worked there and understands that is very important. I think that there's always the limitation of who are they gonna talk to afterwards, which I think plays in that you talked about moral injury or administration betrayal. That certainly plays a factor too, in my opinion.

SPEAKER_02 21:23

Right.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

So I think that that's why like having wellness visits is also a great way to change that up. And I don't know if they do those at the DS. I'm sure they do make you do a physical every year, but I'm not quite sure they make you do a wellness visit for your mental health.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

No. I don't I never did I never did a wellness visit. Yeah, the the physicals you the the you know, the physicals you have to do before an overseas deployment. So not it not necessarily every year, but every few years you're you know, you're getting checked out to make sure you're still able to travel worldwide and you know have the expectation to be healthy. You are in the in the world, but there was uh there's no mental health side of that.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

And of course, you're talking to a mental health counselor, so obviously I'm gonna be pushing that agenda a little bit. So please understand people who are listening. The reason why I talk about this is not because I think everything's trauma and I don't think that everyone's screwed up. I just mean it as if you need the help, get it. And the wellness visit is a nice nice, sneaky way to get it. You don't go to your physical therapy or your your physical and go, no, my arm's fine while it like the shoulder's out of the socket, they have to check it out, right? So I think that that's where I believe in the wellness visits. But when we, you know, as we we're gonna change a little bit of the subject here, and we may just get some going. We may have to stay for another half hour if you don't mind. But I would love to talk about, you know, like so you you obviously retired.

SPEAKER_02 22:52

I did.

Retirement Shock And Identity Loss

SPEAKER_00 22:53

And you know, people leave any type of like LEO job or firefighter or paramedic or military or DS. You leave that job and you're like you mentioned it earlier, just like about a few minutes ago, your ident your identity's just taken away. What did that moment look for you when you had the it looked like a it looked like a panic attack?

SPEAKER_02 23:18

I mean, and it and it was a it was an unexpected panic attack. The day I retired, I had to mail my credentials and a FedEx envelope back to Washington, DC, and you know, department issues retirement credentials, but they don't send those out until they get your active duty credentials. So there was gonna be a period of time where I didn't have any credentials. And when I sealed that envelope, like I had I don't know how else to describe it, other than a panic attack. Like, you know, I mean, I couldn't breathe. I was I felt super anxious, I was I mean it almost kind of caught me off guard, but just that thought of being without even my retirement credentials to say who I had been, not even who I was now, but you know, was yeah, it was hard.

SPEAKER_00 24:15

You know, like it was all it's always interesting when people talk about that because it's essentially what they I if I had a dime for everyone, someone told me it's hard with a big smile on their face, and like you could tell they're in pain as hell. I mean, I'd get I'd be a rich man.

SPEAKER_02 24:31

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

You know, maybe we can touch on this and then maybe get to the other side. But you you talk about having the panic attack and losing your identity. What part of your identity was the hardest? Like you wouldn't be working for DS anymore. Was it that you're not doing the law enforcement for lack of a better word, on the other side or something else?

SPEAKER_02 24:53

I think it was just that feeling of being in the club, you know, having that kind of deference almost in the way that you move about the world. And I was taking a cross-country trip a day or two after I mailed my credentials back. I was gonna drive back to the Midwest. And I just remember thinking, like, how am I gonna drive you know all the way across the country without any credentials? Like, what happens if I get pulled over? You know, like every member of the public who gets pulled over and doesn't have a you know a badge next to their driver's license. Like that was just seemed so scary.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

Civilian life sucks. I get it.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

Yeah. Yeah, just like losing that that membership.

Follow The Show And Get Help

SPEAKER_00 25:46

Let's talk about that membership for a second. If you want to stick around, I'm just gonna end this per first half hour. Guys, get here for the second part of the episode. It will be on the other side. So please join us then.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

Please like, subscribe, and follow this podcast on your favorite platform. A glowing review is always helpful. And as a reminder, this podcast is for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only. If you're struggling with a mental health or substance abuse issue, please reach out to a professional counselor for consultation. If you are in a mental health crisis, call 988 for assistance. This number is available in the United States and Canada.